


Choices

by JinxQuickfoot



Series: Whumptoberverse [7]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, Day 7, Gen, Goat Herder Bucky Barnes, I'm so happy that I finally get to use that tag, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Past non-consensual body modification, Wakanda (Marvel), White Wolf Bucky Barnes, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:53:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26980945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinxQuickfoot/pseuds/JinxQuickfoot
Summary: Natasha couldn’t help but smile as she noted the two well-kept goats tethered nearby, even as her attention was drawn to the man feeding them. He greeted her with a smile; tense and reserved, but a smile. “Natalia.”“Soldier.”-------------------------------------------------------------Natasha travels to Wakanda to bring Bucky home.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov
Series: Whumptoberverse [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1921831
Comments: 30
Kudos: 74
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Choices

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CapGirlCanuck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapGirlCanuck/gifts).



> Whumptober 2020 Day 7
> 
> Prompts: Support/Enemy to Caretaker 
> 
> Relationship: Natasha & Bucky
> 
> For CapGirlCanuck, who taught me that some of the best fics are just two friends talking. 
> 
> Direct sequel to "Amendments", and exists in the same timeline as the other fics in the "Whumptoberverse" series.

The moment Natasha stepped foot in Wakanda, she never wanted to leave.

The air always smelled sweet and sharp, like blossoming citrus, a stark contrast to the chemical air-conditioning of the Compound. She hadn’t even noticed how much the smoke and fog of New York clung to her until she’d left it, stepping out of the quinjet into the African paradise.

Natasha knew it wasn’t, not really. Wakanda had its own problems and wars to wage, although T’Challa was heading them up in a way that would have made his father proud. But for Natasha, it was everything she didn’t know she’d been missing.

She always had Clint’s farmhouse; an escape and a home whenever she needed one, but even there she was in a role. There she was Aunty Nat, a name she’d kill and die for a hundred times before she lost it. But it was still a role. A part to play.

Here, she performed for no one. And she had friends.

She had friends at the Compound too; good, dear friends beyond what she ever thought she’d deserve. She was handling the post-Accords tension better than most, but it still something to _handle._ It was a toll on them all, despite the attempts to bring back the levity and pranks and binge-watching sessions of kinder days. It was work they were willing to do, but it was still work.

And of course, she had Clint. She always had Clint. Even after they’d chosen different sides over the Accords, they’d snapped back together like magnets when they had been resolved. 

But in Okoye and Nakia, Natasha found something she didn’t even realize she’d been missing.

She and Wanda had been close, and she treasured her friendship with Pepper, but Wanda was gone and Pepper was scarcely around since her and Tony’s breakup. Here, sitting in Wakankan halls discussing everything from battle strategies to court gossip with two female warriors who treated her as their equal, Natasha felt like she had taken her first deep breath since Lagos.

Okoye and Nakia disagreed on just about everything – except for their mutual love and constant teasing of T’Challa. They would get into heated debates about Wakanda’s future, innovation versus tradition being the primary focus. Then one of them would say something dry and witty and they would both laugh and change topics, agreeing to disagree or to pick up their debate at a later time. They both wanted the same destination for the country and the people they loved; they just had different opinions on how best to get there.

Natasha knew two men back home who could learn from them.

_She_ was learning from them. While she wasn’t permitted to train with the  Dora Milaje, Okoye was more than open to one-on-one sparring sessions. Natasha hadn’t had anyone to train with for years on her level who wasn’t a super-soldier or a partner who knew every single one of her moves. It was refreshing to be kept on her toes (and to have them swept from under her several times), and she relished the thought of getting home and wiping the floor with Clint using several new moves she’d picked up here.

But not yet. She had a mission to complete first.

It would have been all too easy to pretend she was on vacation, despite the fact she had never _had_ a vacation that wasn’t based at a certain farmhouse in Missouri. But after three days in Wakanda, when he was ready to see her, Natasha did what she had always done. Put personal desires to one side; focus on the mission.

Shuri showed her the way, giving her the rundown on the procedures they had performed over the past couple of months, assuring her that all Hydra programming had been removed. “That doesn’t mean his recovery is done,” Shuri warned her.

“It never is.”

No longer required to be under Shuri’s constant monitoring, he had taken up residence far from the palace, in a small hut that looked rustic but Natasha was willing to bet was more advanced than most high-budget apartments in New York. She couldn’t help but smile as she noted the two well-kept goats tethered nearby, even as her attention was drawn to the man feeding them.

He greeted her with a smile; tense and reserved, but a smile. “Natalia.”

“Soldier.”

Shuri gave Natasha’s arm a gentle squeeze as she said, “I’ll leave you two to talk.”

Bucky made them both tea that tasted of wood and sugar cane, brewing to a deep purple before he poured it into two cups they took outside to watch the sunset. _The most beautiful in the world,_ Natasha remembered. That statement had proven true every night she stayed here.

The two sat in silence for some time, enjoying the companionship, stalling the conversation that needed to be had a little longer. “You look good,” Natasha finally said. He did, and she meant it. He’d put on weight, filling out to fit his frame. There was more color in his cheeks, the shine returning to his hair, which was catching the rays of the setting amber sun.

“I feel good,” Bucky replied, his voice soft. “Not all the time. Not even close to all the time. But sometimes…I feel good.”

“I’m happy for you.” She took his hand, and she wanted to stay here, in this moment. She wanted the sun to never set. But the night was coming, and pretending it wasn’t wouldn’t stop it.

“You spoke to Steve?”

Bucky knew what she was really asking. “You’re here to take me back.”

Natasha exhaled, letting go of his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Bucky picked up his empty teacup, twirling it in his hand. “I can’t stay here forever. They’ve been so generous – T’Challa, and Shuri, and all of them, but…I don’t belong here.” _I’d like to,_ the wistful tone behind the words said, and Natasha understood. “It’s not as perfect as it looks,” Bucky continued. “T’Challa’s making a lot of changes. Good changes, I think, from what Shuri tells me, but hard ones. Not everyone agrees with his decision to open Wakanda up to the rest of the world. And if the States want me back…I’m done with people starting wars because of me.”

“It wasn’t because of you,” Natasha corrected him. “Ross was coming at us with those Accords whether you were involved or not. If Zemo hadn’t found that footage of Tony’s parents, he would have found something else to use against us.”

“That’s nice of you to say.”

Natasha sensed that he wasn’t going to believe her if she pushed, and that doing so wouldn’t help, so instead she said, “Steve wanted to come himself for this. You know that, right?”

“He’s busy. He’s done enough for me already.”

“That’s not how friendship works.” Natasha thumbed her arrow necklace. “It’s not a bartering system of favors. It’s finding a lifebuoy in a universe that will never make sense and tying yourself to each other to make a raft. I was lucky enough to find someone to teach me that.”

Bucky nodded, once, not believing her.

“I’ve been there,” Natasha said softly. “When Clint brought me in. That would have been enough, but it didn’t end there. He stuck his neck out for me, got me a job, a home, a place in this world that wasn’t based around killing. Even though it almost destroyed his reputation at S.H.I.E.L.D. If Coulson hadn’t stepped in…” Natasha shook herself out of the past. “What I’m saying is, it’s hard to have someone do so much for you and feel like you can’t repay it. But that’s not why Steve’s not here. How much did he tell you over the phone?”

“That they want me back over there. That you were coming to talk to me about it.” He met her gaze. “It’s ok if you’ve come here to do more than talk. I won’t resist.”

“I’m not taking you back as a prisoner,” Natasha promised. “Or without your consent.”

“Just because Steve didn’t outline the consequences of not agreeing doesn’t mean I don’t know them. But we can pretend it’s my choice, if that makes it easier.”

Natasha exhaled slowly. “We’re working with the Assistant Secretary, Michael Harding. He’s not exactly the Avengers’ biggest fan, but he’s reasonable, and he’s not Ross. He’s working with us.”

“With conditions.”

“With conditions.”

“One of them being that the US government has me where they can keep an eye on me.”

“Yes.” Natasha didn’t bother to sugarcoat it. “You’re not cleared for active duty. You won’t be allowed to leave the Compound. They’ll be regular check-ins with a government-appointed psychologist. But it’s temporary. And you’ll be with us.”

“I miss him,” Bucky admitted. “But…”

“But?”

“When I’m around Steve, even on the phone, I feel like a burden to him.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.” 

“He doesn’t see it that way. None of us do.”

Bucky was quiet a moment before he said, “And what about Stark?”

“He’s agreed to this too.”

“The Compound. That’s his, isn’t it? His home.”

“Our home.”

Bucky tugged at the edge of his Wakandan robe. “Why would he agree to something like that?”

“Harding made him a deal. We recently had a friend returned to us; one who doesn’t exactly like governments very much. Harding agreed to let him stay on as a consultant, and not sign himself over to the Accords, in exchange for -”

“Me. Steve said.”

“Did he also tell you about Aceso?”

“He did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

Natasha didn’t hide it. “Did you know I killed her?”

“I didn’t.” Bucky took it in stride. “I’m sure you had a good reason.”

“I did. I’m still sorry. She could have reversed it – all of it, not just the programming Shuri took out.”

Bucky was very still. “You were going to ask her for something.”

It wasn’t a question. “I was.”

“What was it?”

For a moment, Natasha considered not telling him. She hadn’t told any of them, even after. 

Bucky guessed before she could. “The graduation ceremony.”

It was like a weight had been lifted off Natasha’s shoulders. She nodded.

“I’m sorry. That those people did that to you.”

Natasha closed her eyes, letting the words sink in. A handful of people knew. Clint, Fury, Bruce, Laura. Phil. And yes, they were sorry, they knew it was awful. But they didn’t understand, not really. Not like the man sitting next to her who had been experimented on for over seventy years just might.

“It wasn’t about the infertility,” Natasha said, and god, she hadn’t realized how much she needed to talk about this until she had been offered a platform to do so. “My lifestyle doesn’t exactly allow for children. And even if it did, there are plenty of children in the world already born who need a loving home; if I’d even be any good at that.”

“You would be.”

Natasha gave him a small smile. “I guess I won’t get to find out. But that’s not what I wanted reversed.” She shivered as the sun started to recede. “They reached inside of me and they took something so I would be a more effective machine for them. And I wanted…for a moment, I thought, I could have it back. Choice.”

“I understand.”

“I know you do.”

“I’m sorry you had to give that up.”

Natasha shook her head. The night was beginning to grow colder, but Bucky didn’t seem to feel it. “It was too high a price to pay. It was an easy choice.” And it had been, the same way it had been for Rhodey.

“That’s brave.”

“Not really. I was never theirs to begin with. No matter how they changed me. They didn’t change the important parts. The parts of me that others see. Who I want to be.”

It was on the nose, and they both knew it, but Bucky didn’t call her out. Instead he said, “I wasn’t going to let her change me back anyway.”

Natasha could count on one hand the times someone had well and truly surprised her. Now she supposed she would need the second hand. “Why?”

Bucky shrugged. “Because there’s no use pretending that I’m going to go back to that kid from Brooklyn. He’s gone. I know Steve wants to pretend otherwise, but he is.”

“The Soldier’s gone too.”

“Maybe. But if that kid is gone, and the Soldier’s gone, then…” Bucky swallowed, eyes on the horizon. “I don’t know who I’m meant to be. But I think I want to be someone who helps people. And I know my serum’s not the same as Steve’s, and I know it came from people trying to ruin the world, not save it. But I have it. Why not use it for something good?”

Something like peace had crossed his face as Natasha said, “ _That’s_ brave.”

“Then why I am so scared of going back?”

“You know none of us are going to let anything happen to you, right? Not just Steve. All of us.”

“That’s not what I’m afraid of.” Bucky looked down at where his left hand used to be. 

Natasha laid a hand on his shoulder. “How can I make this easier for you?”

Bucky smiled back at her. It didn’t reach his eyes. “You already are.”

“I’m sorry,” she said again. She could never say it enough times.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I knew this wasn’t permanent.” The sun had long since set, staining the sky a dusky purple. “When do we leave?”

“We’re meant to be back tomorrow. But I think I can swing another day, if you want time. To say goodbye.”

Bucky shook his head. “No. I’m done causing problems. I’ll leave when you tell me to.”

Natasha squeezed his arm. “Thank you.”

Bucky glanced over his shoulder.

“Something else bothering you? I meant it when I said I wanted to make this as easy as it can be.”

“I just…I want to know that someone is going to take care of my goats.”

“I think that can be arranged.”

They sat in companionable silence long after the sun had truly fallen. If they had been other people, they might have pretended that tomorrow wasn’t coming, and that they could sit in the quiet and peace forever.

But they had both seen too much, known too much, to know how harmful pretending what cannot be is. Hope for a slim chance of redemption is all that is needed to start out on the hardest of paths, but hope for what can never be is the most destructive kind of death there is.

Even so, as the night gathered around them, Natasha was thankful that she wasn’t alone, and the darkness above them was filled more stars than she had ever thought possible. 

**Author's Note:**

> The Whumptoberverse continues in [Dollhouse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26987911/chapters/65876245)
> 
> Come scream at me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jinxquickfoot), especially if you also write fanfic or do fanart! Share your work with me!
> 
> Hey are you tired of me plugging my podcast yet? Well if so that means you've clicked on a fair few of my fics and for that I am very grateful, kind reader. You could spend your time anywhere, and you spent it here, and that is quite wonderful of you.
> 
> "Kill the Cat" is a film and screenwriting podcast which my co-host and I take our favorite films and screenplays and break down why and how they work, and in a week we're releasing our episode on Avengers: Infinity War. If that sounds up your ally, pop over to [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ypaen3yM5Q&t=1s&ab_channel=KilltheCatPodcast), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/show/5hCprc9UCBZP4srFrBXKT1?si=0CF3IKjGThK0tohIqcEy4Q) or wherever you get your podcasts and hit that 'subscribe' to get notified when we release the episode.
> 
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